he's always there (but so are they)
by basedfran
Summary: one-shot about how fuuta deals with life after what they went through during the kokuyo arc


**a/n: fuuta is nonbinary in this fic. its one of my many headcanons. thats why i use they/them pronouns for them. if you dont like that... idk what to do for you lmao! just clarifying before theres any confusion. please enjoy.**

* * *

The night after the battle for the rings, Lancia comes to their room and bows before them, forehead digging into the carpet.

"I'll never be able to say how sorry I am for what I let happen to you." he says, whispering because it's 2 AM and everyone else is fast asleep. He does not dare look at them, as he did their entire stay at Kokuyo Land. The guilt he feels when he sees their face must make him sick.

"It's not your fault, Lancia-san. You were under his control too." Their words are hushed. They glance around the room, as if worried that even mentioning _him_ would act as a summoning incantation. They pull their knees to their chest when they're somewhat sure _he_ isn't there (because they will never be completely sure. Sometimes it feels like he's always there, right under their skin.).

"I'm the grown-up in all of this. Even if he had me under his control I should have fought for our freedom. I wasn't completely powerless."

Fuuta blinks down at him from their spot atop their bed. It's been hard to feel anything but anger and guilt these past few weeks, but right now, they feel pity for Lancia.

 _You're delusional._ is what they want to say, but instead they repeat, "It's not your fault."

* * *

The next day they smile and laugh with Lambo and I-Pin like nothing's wrong.

They jump on Lancia's back, their skin itching from the contact, and giggle as they hold on tight.

Fuuta is the first stop on Lancia's redemption tour, and they want him to believe he can be forgiven.

It helps them think _they_ can be forgiven.

If anyone notices their laugh lacks some sincerity, they don't mention it.

* * *

The shop they're at boasts that they're the best in all of Japan.

Not too long ago, Fuuta could've been the judge of that.

They're hand-in-hand with Haru as she and Kyoko survey the menu, occasionally turning their attention to Fuuta and asking whether they've decided what drink they'd like. They smile as they say they're still deciding, letting the girls turn their attention on more important things, like whether they should have a slice of cake with their coffee.

It doesn't really matter what Fuuta gets, they haven't been able to taste much of anything since their time with him. Maybe skewed senses are a side effect of possession? If thinking about that time didn't upset them so much, Fuuta's curiosity might provoke them to investigate this theory.

The bell hanging above the store's entrance rings and catches their attention.

The world gets a little brighter when Tsuna walks in, cursing Reborn under his breath while they're apart and it's safe to do so.

"Tsuna-nii." It's not quite the excitable chirp they used to let out when they saw him, but it's louder and has more energy than anything else they've said in the past few weeks.

Tsuna's eyes drift over in their direction. He's surprised but pleased to see them (though it's definitely due to Kyoko's presence. His cheeks are rosy red as he walks over to greet them, eyes drifting to her face more often than not. "Ah, hey, I didn't know you guys were here." he says.

"Tsuna-san!" Haru chirps, hearts practically floating around her head as she greets him. "What are you doing here? I thought coffee was too bitter for you."

"H-Haru! Don't say that so loud!" Tsuna quickly shushing her and looking around frantically to see if any coffee-lovers were judging him. They were. Quietly. "We ran out of coffee at home, so Reborn's making me pick up some. What are you all doing? Appreciation Day or whatever you call it?"

"Ah!" Haru gently pulls Fuuta forward, placing her hands on their shoulders. "Actually yes, though this Appreciation Day is for Fuuta-kun, who we haven't been able to play with since he went on that trip to Spain."

There's a worried expression on Haru's face as she speaks. She sends looks Tsuna's way, trying to ask with her eyes whether he's noticed their odd behaviour since their return. Her worry spikes when Tsuna avoids her gaze.

Tsuna tenses at the mention of their "trip", still uncomfortable with the lie they came up with to cover up Fuuta's kidnapping. A nervous sweat building on his brow, he looks down and flashes Fuuta an uneasy smile. "That's nice. I hope you're... having fun with Haru and Kyoko-chan?"

Fuuta can easily tell what he really wants to ask in that pause. In the past month, they've noticed their brother struggling to interact with them. They wish they didn't cause so much trouble for him.

"I'm fine! I'm having a great time with them!" they smile, trying to reassure him, but something about their expression displeases him.

His brows furrow, worry clouding his eyes. "Are you sure? I can-"

Fuuta's runs cold, goosebumps spreading rapidly along their skin. They suck in a sharp breath then release it in shudder that makes their body quake. Haru, feeling their shoulders tremble, tries to rub some warmth into them.

"Hahi... Are you okay, Fuuta-kun?" she asks, bringing her voice down so they don't draw any attention from the other patrons.

They want to answer her, but their voice is failing them.

 _He's here._ their brain screams, sending their body in a panic. _He's_ _here_ _._

Their eyes dart around, but they can't see him anywhere. Can't hear him. Can't sense his illusions. But they can feel him. They start to hug themself.

They feel like they're going crazy.

"Would you like to get some fresh air, Fuuta-kun?" Kyoko asks, bending down slightly to try to meet their eye.

They let their bangs curtain around their face to block her view. "Yes, please." they're able to croak out.

Haru and Kyoko each place a hand on one of their shoulders and ushers them out. They focus in on their touch and try to center themself.

They don't feel right until they're blocks away.

* * *

They feel like he still has a hold of them as they pick up the knife.

It's months after the incident.

But they still shake like a leaf when the knife's in their hand, the way the handle fits in their grip feeling too familiar, and their mind replays the worst day of their life, a birthday special just for them.

The feel of the trident's rough hilt in their small, small hands. The way Bianchi's flesh squelched as they plunged it into her stomach. The warm blood that sprayed and stained their skin as they wrenched the blade out.

The taste of blood filling their mouth makes them realize they're biting their tongue.

They unclench their jaw and the muscle falls to the bottom of their mouth, raw and limp. They swallow spit and blood. Their hands shake. Their eyes become dewy.

They feel several pairs of eyes searching their face, carefully examining their expression with looks of worry and love Fuuta doesn't deserve.

They've just finished blowing out their candles, but they can't seem to move anymore. They don't trust themself.

Just as Tsuna is about to reach out and take the knife away, a warm, familiar hand finds its place on Fuuta's shoulder, its sister curling gently around the hand holding the knife.

"Long, straight lines." Bianchi instructs softly in their ear, keeping their hand steady as they cut the cake right down the middle.

They focus on her warmth and try to get their mind to realign with their body, taking back control after what seems like a lifetime.

They're able to cut the cake without much difficulty, though they feel ill until the knife is finally out of their hands.

They're given the first slice, everyone around them watching expectantly as they pick up their fork.

It's flavor mixes with the blood still in their mouth, but it's the first thing they've been able to taste in so long.

"It's good." they say, smiling at their family as they move their fork to take another bite.

They all beam back at them.

They spend the rest of the day playing with Lambo and I-Pin, trying out the new toys they got from the present haul. And though their laughter is tiny and shy still, no part of it is false.

When they go to bed that night, it only takes a couple hours to fall asleep.

And though they _still_ feel him there, they slip into a safe, dreamless slumber, knowing their family is there as well.

* * *

might write something nicer/sweeter for fuutas birthday later today, but until then have this sadfic lmao


End file.
